Holiday Tips |

Holiday Tips

The holiday season is upon us once again. Well, I guess that is a bit of a lie.

The holiday season has been upon us since before Halloween and because Congress is currently in deliberation over instating one mandatory Black Friday a month starting in May of 2012, I have compiled a list of 5 things you can do to preserve your sanity and become the best consumer in your neighborhood.

Eliminate the Competition. Your first order of business will be to find the other families in the neighborhood that will rival your own in terms of consumer prowess. Eliminate these families by breaking into their homes and changing all of their clocks the night before each Black Friday. Imagine having a two hour head start on your competition. The morale boost alone is well worth the risk. Bonus Tips: After changing the clocks, poison the family pet. Before making your way back home, use the cover of darkness to flatten the tires on all of their vehicles. I suggest using a 10” Bowie Knife.
Feign Illness. Every store you enter has the potential to be a zoo. If you encounter a particular aisle that has a limited amount of items that you wish to purchase, clear the aisle with well placed projectile vomit. I suggest Chinese food and egg nog. The smell alone will send those with weak stomachs to the nearest bathroom. Bonus Tips: Other useful combos include Limburger cheese and soda, spaghetti and milk, tacos and whiskey, and my personal favorite but hardest to pull off, 15 cans of sardines topped off with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
Drive Fast. Don’t be afraid of the police. If you drive fast enough and reckless enough, they will eventually give up and resort to doing some shopping of their own. Do your research by watching movies like Ronin, Death Race 2000, anything directed by Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer and Cannonball Run II. Bonus Tip: Grow a mustache and buy some slick aviator glasses. If done correctly, other drivers will be so focused on your Burt Reynolds disguise that they will crash, giving you free reign of the road.
Methamphetamine. Nothing can touch the energy boost of meth. It’s like drinking a case of Red Bull and then lighting yourself on fire. Cheap to make and effective, this holiday kick-starter will be sure to keep you going for days on end. Bonus Tips: Mix with Angel Dust to give yourself that “Hulk Rage” edge. You will be more prone to violence, but if the bullets start flying, you won’t feel a thing and will be able to continue shopping once your adversaries have been slaughtered. I suggest administering this potentially lethal concoction before driving anywhere. It will erase your inhibitions towards driving like a fucking maniac.
Arm Yourself. Guns are fine and knives can offer hand to hand protection, but nothing says you mean business like a starving grizzly bear complete with titanium chain mail. Come spring time, go out into the wild and lasso yourself the biggest grizzly you can find. I suggest a female because they tend to be much larger than males and far more aggressive. Not only can you use this beast to clear annoying check-out lines but keep the bear outside your home to protect against would-be thieves. Bonus Tip: Carry a Super Soaker filled with warm animal blood. If you feel as though other patrons might try anything sneaky, hose them down and watch your grizzly go into a vicious tirade, tearing your competition to bits, leaving you to peruse wherever you please.