Rick Santorum’s Raw-Dog Family Plan By Danny... |

Rick Santorum’s Raw-Dog Family Plan

“Children are the greatest resource we have,” he said. “They’re the natural resource that creates wealth in this country.”

That was Rick Santorum on Fox News Sunday, confusing “children” with “oil” again.

In his latest interview, the man who hates Google more than anyone else opined that we, as a country, aren’t having enough children. Santorum blamed ‘failed tax policies of the past 30 years’ for leading to decreased birth rates and laid out his daring, untested new plan to save our troubled economy: “Stop Pulling Out”

Yes, Rick thinks that our nation’s problems need to be solved by having more babies.

And how can we argue with such logic? Who hasn’t been in a similar situation with their own personal finances? Overdrawn at the ATM, boiling ramen, mulling a move back in with the parents — sometimes, just to keep your head above water, you need to inseminate someone and help them carry the fetus to term.

That’s what America needs now — a strong leader who will stand up and say “My Dear Countrymen. If you love this land, raw-dog for it.” — and help guide the ship of state to calmer waters and better times, unfettered by the condom-wearing Obama Administration or their failed policies of finishing on your chin, or maybe your chest if things get really hot.

Santorum, the former Senator who famously said that sex should be only for procreation, outlined some details of his bold initiative to reporters:

“We have to start in schools. Our children are just not focused enough on sex. If elected, my policies will ensure that our long national nightmare of teen abstinence will be over.”

While the Santorum campaign remains steadfast in getting the message out, critics of this plan warn that they’ve seen this before: “He’s promising to ease his plan in gradually - just the tip, at first, and nothing else. But before you know it, the whole plan will be in place, and he’ll go before Congress and say “Doesn’t that feel good, though, baby? Come on. Let’s just stay still like this for a bit” — and at that point in the legislative process, anything is possible.”

In an unrelated interview, Santorum also implied that the Octomom could be nominated to a senior position inside the Department of Transportation (“She transported eight of them in there, man, for like, nine months!”).

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