It is springtime, and the summer blockbusters are already rolling out. “The Avengers” has taken first blood, and “Dark Knight Rises” is expected to hit just as hard; but don’t count out the underdog: “What To Expect When You’re Expecting,” coming to theaters May 18th. How do I know it’s in the running? Simple: it’s based on a book.
Here’s a short list: Lord of the Rings… Harry Potter and The Whatever He’s Doing …The Notebook
What do these have in common? All are blockbuster movies based on books. At least that is what I assume. The Notebook could be based on an actual notebook; but if you understand how set/subset situations work, you know that a notebook is still a book. The point is, don’t count out “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” It is a book; hence, it must have a dedicated nerd following. And yes, pregnancy nerds have never shown themselves to be a movie-going demographic, but Hollywood rarely caters to them…when was the last time? Knocked Up? Also, it’s not always easy to get a babysitter. At least that’s what I’ve been told…I can’t know all of the factors because I have not thrown my life away.
Alas, I am not here to talk about any of this. I am here to let you readers know what you can expect when watching “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Have I used my status to somehow get into an advanced screening of the movie? No. I haven’t seen any more than the preview, but I am an expert in Hollywood Pregnancy humor.
Expect to expect at least a few of these things:
- A well off couple who, when determining whether or not they are bringing a person into the world, have decided to trust a myriad of various home pregnancy tests. Sure, they can afford a physician’s accuracy, but that doesn’t lend itself to a hilarious montage of a lady peeing on a buncha sticks! This is big news, so you can’t put all of your trust in some cheap, store-bought pregnancy test. You must cross-reference the results with SEVERAL cheap, store-bought pregnancy tests.
- Mood swings! We all know how fun it is to laugh at the emotional pendulum that is woman. But when is a woman at her most womanly? When she’s pregnant! Expect hilarious mood swing scenes that help pregnant women seem less human and therefore easier to deal with.
- Deep fried smores and hummus!…or some other wacky assortment of unrelated foods. She’s eating for two now, and an unborn baby knows nothing about what foods go together. Don’t question it. Just get out of this pregnant monster’s way! If she doesn’t get her peanut butter French fries, she will turn irrationally violent.
- What would a pregnancy movie be without a counsel of new fathers scaring the shit out of the father-to-be by simply describing how shitty their lives have become?…I don’t know. They’ve never not done that in a pregnancy movie.
- Expect a scene where the lady in labor crunches her hubby’s hand and says something to the effect of, “Give me the fucking drugs!” This helps everybody cope with a little person ripping a grown person’s vagina open by implying that you’d have to be possessed by a dark force to endure it.
- If I was a betting man, I’d put money on the husband almost not making it to the birth of his child. He will then walk into the delivery room at the apex of grossness, react to the decimation of his wife’s vagina, and faint.
- In the end, the anxiety-ridden husband character will hold a newborn baby in his arms and suddenly realize that his wife’s suffering was all worth it, because he is a dad now.
Don’t let me discourage you from watching this movie. Remember: if you don’t see the movie, you can’t say the book was better.