Rethinking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles |

Rethinking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I recently re-watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies for the first time in years. When I watched them as a kid, I didn’t care about the turtles that much. My dream was to live in the foot clan lair…arcade games, a skateboard ramp, all the cigarettes I could smoke…that sounded awesome. Now that I’m older, all I can think is: “there is no way that the foot clan is a profitable enterprise”…that’s a lot of overhead. Shredder is feeding and supporting 100-something kids in this amazing pad, and it’s not like they’re robbing banks. They just harass people and take microwaves and radiators etc. They might pull in enough to support a mild crack habit. If they weren’t fighting the turtles all the time, they could maybe clear another 10 microwaves a week; and that wouldn’t even cover skate ramp maintenance.

If the ninja turtles didn’t exist, Shredder would be a crazy dude in a silly outfit, dead set on running a petty theft empire by taking a bunch of gutter punks and unnecessarily training them in martial arts. When it comes down to it, Shredder is basically a homeless Karate instructor. By the second movie, you really just start to feel bad for him. By then, they’ve moved out of the sweet foot clan lair, into a junk yard; and it’s painfully obvious that he’s not in the black. And this brings me back to the Ninja Turtles themselves. You can’t help but put their ethics into question. There are horrific crimes taking place in New York City every day. How many women are being raped so these turtles can stop a group of ruffian scamps from stealing a color tv?

In my opinion, there is an easy, two-part solution to this whole issue

Legally mandate that these amphibious bullies use their creepy mutant strength and extensive ninja training to stop REAL crime.
Allocate city funds and open Shredder’s Youth Center/School for the Martial Arts.

Citizens like Shredder, who are trying to give troubled inner-city youth something to strive for, should not have to resort to petty crime.