24 posts tagged NP

During the New Hampshire primary debate Saturday night, presidential hopeful Rick Perry said that if elected president, he would send troops back into Iraq. As soon as he says the words, the voice of moderator Diane Sawyer can be heard saying, “Now?”

Yes, Diane. Now.

And that’s not all. During the commercial break, Rick Perry had a few more items to add to his foreign policy agenda wish list:

Rick Perry: Truth be told, if I was elected president I think I would take another shot at Vietnam.

Diane Sawyer: Are you suggeting you would send American troops back to Vietnam?

RP: Heck yeah, I’m suggestin’ it! And that’s not all. I think if President Obama was serious about keeping this country safe, he would send troops and medium range Pershing ballistic missiles back into Germany and Turkey and nuke these goddamn Soviets!

DS: But Governor Perry, the USSR was disolved in 1991. It is—

RP: And after we’re done with the Reds, we move on and sack New York and Philadelphia! Those Yankee minutemen are no match for our stealth drones. Hell, we could probably do the whole job with a single F-16!

DS: Are you suggesting we start another Civil War? And moreover, do you think that somehow the North is still using muskets?

RP: And once we finally consolidate into a singular confederate power, we will take it to them Klingon sonsabitches! We’ll show them what happens when you mess with Texas!

DS: Governor—

RP: And let’s be honest, Bilbo Baggins is a terrorist. We have terrorist cells operating in Mordor as we speak. The Council of Elrond says they are not trying to build a new ring but they have repeatedly violated sanctions by releasing pro-hobbit propaganda with their fancy little movies. We need a strong military presence in Middle Earth to stabilize that region.

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthines 

Jimmy Fallon’s house band The Roots called Michele Bachmann a bitch in a roundabout sort of way when they played Lyin’ Ass Bitch as she was introduced on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon this week. After an apology from Jimmy Fallon himself, Michelle Bachmann is still fuming and demands an apology from NBC.

That being said, I think we are going to have to draw straws.

Because one of us is going to need to sit Michele Bachmann down, put our hand on her shoulder, look her in the eyes and whisper, “I know you’re mad at those strangers who alluded to your being a bitch, but there is something you should know. Michele…life…life is going to get a lot harder than this.”

Imagine someone, we’ll call her – I don’t know – let’s say Michelle. Imagine Michelle going to work on Monday at Quizno’s. Imagine Michelle has terrible ideas about making sandwiches and tells everyone that she can make the sandwiches infinitely better than everyone because God guides her tiny hands in crafting the perfect turkey club. Now imagine someone was tired of Michelle’s crazy shit and called her a bitch behind her back. Michelle finds out and is crest fallen even though she didn’t really know the person who made the fairly benign accusation (one might even call it an astute observation.) Then, imagine not only the offender apologizing but the manager of the Quizno’s, Jimmy, apologizing as well.

Michelle stamps her feet on the ground and says, “No! I want Mr. Quizno to call me at my house and apologize!” What kind of person needs to that sort of validation from total strangers? What kind of ego must someone have that empowers them to feel entitled to such head bowing for something every other American deals with on a daily basis?

If you drive an automobile in high traffic areas, you are probably called a bitch or an asshole a half-dozen times before you even get to work in the morning, but you don’t see people getting out of their cars on the highway, knocking on the window of the guy who cut them off and screaming “I saw you mouth the word bitch! I deserve an apology! Also, I want to talk to the manufacturer of your car because I think they owe me an apology as well!”

There are people who do those types of things. They are called lunatics.

I’m sure it would be a thrilling adventure to be president of the United States of Tea Party but If Michele Bachmann wants to show us how presidential she is, she can start by acting like an adult and accepting that part of governing a nation is governing people who don’t like you.

Sticks and stones, Michele.

On Monday’s O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly took a few stiff smacks at the hornet’s nest of common sense when, while speaking about the students who were pepper sprayed during the UC Davis protest, Kelly claimed that pepper spray was “a food product, essentially.”

Naturally, those who reside on the Internets almost immediately picked up the inflammatory statement. The Twitter tag #fakeMegynKelly has become popular and an online petition has been circulating compelling Ms. Kelly to actually eat pepper spray.

RestoringTruthiness has sources who confirm that the sparkly blonde Fox News anchor has written a book entitled “Thoughtful Insights: Profound Realizations Regarding Life and the Universe.”

Through these fictional sources, RestoringTruthiness acquired the chapter listings for Megyn Kelly’s fake book:

Chapter 1- Sexual Assault: It’s Just Surprise Sex, Essentially.

Chapter 2– Kitty Litter Is Sand, Essentially. Why Else Would It Feel So Good to Bury My Feet in the Litter Box?

Chapter 3- Getting Shot in the Face with a Rubber Bullet While Peacefully Protesting: It’s a Free CAT Scan, Essentially

Chapter 4- People Say Fox News Is Right Wing Spin. Do You Know What Else Has Wings and Spins? American Jet Planes Piloted by Our Brave Servicemen, like George W. Bush! U-S-A, U-S-A!

Chapter 5 – My Name Is Spelled M-E-G-Y-N: Why People, After Talking to Me for a Short Time, Say “Yeah. That Spelling Makes Sense.” My Name Rocks, Essentially!

Chapter 6 – Water Boarding: It’s A Clearasil Commercial Where a Smiling 16-Year-Old Girl Rinses Her Face in Slow Motion, Essentially.

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, R-TX, is running a new 30-second advertisement accusing President Obama of having “socialist policies.” The ad has been running in heavy rotation on Fox News and is the latest of several ads released by Perry’s camp attacking the president.

Although a scathing critique of the current administration, this ad says much more of its architects than anyone else. This 30-second spot speaks volumes about the current state of the Perry campaign.

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness

Perry Campaign Can’t Afford Youtube

In this screenshot taken from the advertisement, we see a washed out screen with a bluish hue, scan lines and significant film graininess. This can only mean one thing. The Perry campaign, instead of investing in a laptop to pull high definition clips of the President off of Youtube, has poted for a far more expensive and time consuming option:

1. Record presidential press briefing from live TV to VHS.
2. Find an old tube television to play VHS tape through.
3. Film the screen of the old tube television playing the VHS tape.
4. Accidentally let the film canister sit in a moist basement for 30 years.
5. Process film very poorly.
6. Convert low quality processed film to digital format to be played in attack ad.

This seems like a lot of superfluous steps when it would be infinitely easier to simply download a quality clip from Youtube. My grandma knows how to post videos to her Facebook, for Christ’s sake. Get it together, guys.

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness

Perry Campaign Can’t Afford Studio

In this screenshot we see Mr. Perry standing in the woods. Obviously, his Super PAC refuses to dish out money to shoot in a studio so he is left with no choice but to drag a cameraman into the woods and shoot the whole thing Guerilla style, like The Blair Witch Project (Perry’s favorite movie.)

What is also clear from the above screenshot is the campaign’s lack of fonts. Maybe next time Rick Perry’s Super PAC can put aside a few bucks to make some different typography choices. For example, maybe take into consideration that Rick Perry is running for president of the United States of America, not making a PowerPoint presentation on salamanders for his 6th grade science class.

“And here I am, you see it says Rick Perry. I’m in the woods with my favorite blue shirt, ready to catch a Ambystoma maculatum, commonly known as the mighty salamander.”

If Rick Perry plans to win his party’s nomination, he is going to have to work a little harder on his everything-besides-rugged-good-looks. But if the president thing doesn’t work out, he looks like he would make a great assistant manager at Home Depot.

During the Republican debate on Wednesday night, presidential hopeful Rick Perry, while discussing his flat-tax plan stated, “And I will tell you, it is three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, Education, and the…what’s the third one there? …Let’s see.” Then, in an act of sheer frustration, Governor Rick Perry, R-TX, spontaneously burst into flames. The governor flailed in frustration only momentarily before moderator Jim Cramer rushed the stage and stifled the flames with a fire extinguisher.

Governor Perry was admitted and later discharged from the Oakland University Medical Center late Wednesday evening with only superficial bodily injury but doctors concede his ego may never walk again.

When approached for questioning, Governor Perry initially waved away a swath of reporters but stopped briefly when a reporter asked what his plans were at this point in the campaign. Governor Perry stated, “Truth be told, I didn’t want this gig anyway. In fact, right now there is only three things I want: A big ole’ bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos; Season 1 of Entourage; and the third thing I did not forget—aloe vera lotion. You know the green kind. Stick it in my fridge so it’s nice and cold. That’s my big plan. But hey, also, I wanted to ask you guys. When I burst into flames, did you see Mitt Romney laughin’? ‘Cuz I could have swore—“

Poll after poll reveals that if the general election were to be held today, President Obama would win by a slight margin against the leading Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Moreover, he would beat any other republican candidate if the race were held today. Every candidate except one: the Generic Ballot Republican.

If the election were held today, President Barack Obama would lose to a nameless non-existent Republican, often represented by a black silhouette against a grey matte background. This is what the general electorate is looking for, a faceless entity labeled with a fire engine red “R.” According to Gallup’s latest numbers, Republican Human-ish Enigma John Doe would destroy the incumbent president in a landslide victory, 46% to 38%.

This leads to my ambitious GOP plan for the 2012 presidential election cycle: Run nobody.

I don’t see any of the current Republican candidates capable of beating a Campaign Mode Obama Destroyer Series 2.0. So I think the best course of action for the party, and for America, would be to just run Nobody.

Barack Obama will have debates with an empty podium and be forced to yield to dead air and cameras planted on an empty podium, hearing nothing besides the quiet hum of a microphone straining to hear… nothing. Then, we watch as the light on the podium transitions from green to yellow and finally red. Then, moderator Brian Williams bellows through the silence, “We’re sorry Nobody, but your time has expired. Mr. President, you have 30 seconds for a rebuttal.”

This could be a pivotal event for our democracy. Maybe this is just what we need. It seems that over the course of the past few decades we have drifted from our core principles. We have abandoned what made us great. Maybe America needs a time out. Maybe instead of more Senate hearings and more debates and more joint committees and more lobbyists, maybe we need none. Just for awhile.

I feel like our elected officials may have knocked over a red, white and blue paint can onto the nice hardwood floor our founding fathers spent so many years working on and now there are 30,000 people in Washington with paint on their hands trying to clean it up. Sometimes you need to scream, “Listen, just don’t fucking touch anything! Go outside and wash your hands with the hose! Make sure you use a paper towel when you grab the doorknob! Rick Santorum, I’m looking at you…Jesus, don’t touch the fucking wall, Rick. Are you kidding!?! Well you don’t need to cry, just put your hands in your pockets and walk outside, sweetie.” 

I dream of quiet corridors of the Senate with only the echoing clip clap of the janitor’s footsteps as he walks from office to office checking for trashcans he can empty, only to find 100 empty offices with 100 empty trashcans.   

But if you walk into the empty Senate chambers and listen closely you can actually hear it, the sound of Nobody not fucking anything up.

Recently hired as a political comedy writer for restoringtruthiness.org. this is my first piece. Check out the article on the sita and facebook and twitter and “like” and share and dance and sing, please, if you have time and don’t feel my writing repugnant. If you do, than carry on about your internet journeys and I can only pray that you find a cat video to your liking.

Scrolling down the list of things Herman Cain is unaware of (global warming, check; The Neo-Conservative Movement, check; a realistic assessment of the threat of Sharia Law to Sandy Springs, Georgia, check), we can hastily scribble one more item on the seemingly endless I Donno’ List: Herman Cain is unaware whether anyone was given cash to settle sexual harassment allegations against him.

Accusations have surfaced that Mr. Cain, while heading The National Restaurant Association, may have sexually harassed two women. Moreover, The National Restaurant Association may or may not have given the two women cash settlements…but that, Mr. Cain does not know.

To be fair to Mr. Cain, pizza is a cutthroat business and it’s easy to get swept away in the garlic-dipping-sauce riptide (your instinct will be to panic but hold onto the floating pepperoni. Stay calm and swim parallel to the pizza crust.) Sometimes in the rigmarole of delivery deadlines (30 minutes or less) and sponsoring little league teams, you find yourself asking, “Hey, does anyone remember if I asked that intern if she was interested in a couple friends and I coming to her apartment later for a 9-9-9 plan? If so, do you think the innuendo was pretty unambiguous or should I have been clearer in illustrating the numeric values represented inches, like all three of us are 9 inches long? And by nine inches long, I’m talking about penis size here, Cody. She’s gonna get a taste of The Hermaniac’s Ole’ Flat Tax, am I right? Cody, shit man, that’s supposed to be half sausage and half olives!”

Knowing you didn’t sexually harass a few people is one thing. Not knowing 100% if someone was given cash because of your alleged behavior, that’s a willful act of neglect. Herman Cain is burying his head in the deep-dish and that he is fully aware of it.